By Ruby Nair, USA
“Teachers happen when the student is ready. And the teacher is always in relation with the student. When a student happens, a teacher happens. Teacher is a state just like student is a state. The teacher or the student are never permanent in their roles. A teacher can be a father, a husband, a lover, a pedestrian, a shopper, a barber, a cook or any other role a human being may play in his or her lifetime. The right knowledge will come to you at the right time, through a person, a book or a life experience. This is the truth of existence.”
Below, I share, from the heart, how my life changed from a mundane existence to one of joy, peace, gratitude and selfless actions through the appearance of a Guru at a time of need in answer to a prayer.
What have I gained by being with Mohanji is a vast subject that can’t be put down into mere words. I contemplated on this matter for a couple of days and as I sat with my husband talking about certain things, I ended up discussing with him all that I have gained by being with Mohanji. It was so simple yet complicated.
My life before Mohanji was very uncertain on many levels. From my childhood, I had been one of the weird kids who always felt different and shy inside. On some levels, I can say that I had lived a turbulent childhood which continued into most of my early adult life. First, it was distant family problems. Then as I grew older, I realized that I never fit in with a lot of groups because I was never really interested in what they talked about. I was a party goer for most of my late teens and thought life was just about partying and spending money.
After getting married and visiting Kerala for the first time in 2004, I had such a profound experience at the Guruvayurappan Krishna temple, which brought tears and intense love to my heart, that shook me. That’s when I realized that there was something tangible in these temples. So I became obsessed with visiting temples and praying – just thanking God for everything.
However, marriage also brought a sense of responsibility towards fixing my family matters. My husband and I took it upon ourselves to visit different temples, perform countless pujas, prayers in my name or their names to uplift them and myself from all the troubles and ignorance. There was this compulsion in me that kept me going for years and I can recall most of our married life was spent on fixing other people – my family, etc. I felt burdened at times and cried out numerous times to God to please end this suffering of mine as there was no end to my turbulent life. Things did improve in my life but I never felt contented and always felt like there was something more to do.
Since I had filled my life with trying to help others while ignoring my own pain, I never knew how to deal with things when they got difficult as there was no anchor in my life to tell me it will be okay in the end. My husband was always there no matter what, but I was looking for something higher to connect to. I felt abused, disrespected and unloved on many occasions by many people in my life. I was a machine living for others and trying to make them happy while I was unhappy on many levels.
The above describes my life after my marriage basically from 2003 to 2012 – in pain, in depression at times, feeling lonely, betrayed, etc. After 2012, my life changed drastically again after visiting a Shiva Temple in Kauai, Hawaii, where I truly believed there were Gods, angels and higher beings alive among us, helping and guiding us. It brought a lot of change in my life which cultivated patience and faith. I gave up certain dietary things as well as alcohol, which I took on special occasions and learned could be a hindrance to one’s spiritual path. I became aware that one’s purification and penance was very important in finding God. To better myself, I started fasting, serving family by cooking food for them, ignoring their cold remarks, and learning how to restrain myself.
During this time, I also read the book “Autobiography of Yogi” by Paramahansa Yogananda. This book helped me realize the importance of a Guru and how having love for Him transcends any physical or conditional love that I was used to. This drove me to seek and question if there was a Guru for me as well in this life. I installed Mahavatar Babaji’s picture in my temple even though it felt kind of strange because I had grown up with the idea that we only install and pray to idols of deities and not to a human beings. Even though I knew Babaji was beyond human definitions, it was just something that was hard for me to do.
From 2012 to 2015, I did meditations on my own where I would just force myself to sit and contemplate on Babaji or just nothing. I prayed to God to send me a Guru. After hearing from somewhere that when one pours water on a Shiva lingam and asks with a pure heart, God surely brings that into our life. Without being aware, Mohanji came into my life slowly, but my ignorance was too deep to even recognize Him. In 2015 I found Mohanji’s blog through the grace of Babaji and I was able to meet Him physically in 2016. Meeting Him was also very turbulent for me due to my own negative self. I had to shed a lot to see His divinity. This was the first gift He gave me – the ability to connect to Him despite the darkness surrounding me, while dissolving my ignorance so that I could see Him in a different light and purity.
During one of my trips with Mohanji, He casually mentioned that having my second daughter accelerated my path to meeting Him, but I was destined to meet Him anyway, probably later in time. Many are His subtle ways that I can’t even begin to describe them.
The big question is what has been so different after meeting Him. Well, all my compulsions to fix things, others, or situations have gone. I no longer feel that I am in any control to fix anyone let alone help them, unless they themselves are seeking guidance. If I do happen to help someone, I have realized that it is not me but the energy of God working through me to help that person, so the ownership or doership has gone. I have also been initiated to Mai-Tri healing, so I can serve others selflessly and bring Mohanji’s healing to others.
I feel protected for the first time in my life. Not that I didn’t feel protected before, but this is where I know if I am in trouble or something is bothering me, He will be there no matter the time or space. It’s very comforting to know someone is always with me, guiding me no matter what.
I have also become stronger in myself and have more faith in myself and my abilities. I no longer wish to get gratification from others or listen to others. I know I am self-sufficient and I am perfect the way I am, despite being laughed at numerous times throughout my life. It is knowing that all of us are different, unique and loved by the Divine just as we are. Even though lack of acceptance is still there on minute levels, it is now a work in progress.
Another great thing I have gained from being with Mohanji is His global family. I just love meeting different people from all over the world and connecting with them instantly. It is like they are my real family at times and it brings me so much joy just to share love and stories with them. It’s a connection on a different level that I never experienced outside of His family.
Mohanji has also brought forth more awareness to the suffering of animals. Due to this I have been vegan for a year and have never been so happy to realize that I had the strength to give up on desires that are so hard to give up in one’s life. Now, it’s a lifestyle of Ahimsa which was just a thought before meeting Him. This decision has helped me to avoid feeling the guilt of consuming something that was snatched from another being. Because if the roles were reversed, I would not want the same thing inflicted on my loved ones.
So far, the most important thing I feel I have gained is that Mohanji anchors me in the present. I no longer look elsewhere; He has given me something strong and tangible to hold on to. This feeling was what I was looking for all my life until I met Him. I realized that if this anchor had been available to me earlier, I would have been less turbulent within myself and more stable. He has given me stability that I thought I would never achieve in this life. I have cried to God when I couldn’t handle things and have asked Him to end my life, but now I don’t have such thoughts. I feel happy, loved, accepted and grateful to have this human birth where I have been given this much awareness. Simply put, Mohanji helped me become a better me, someone I love.
This was my humble attempt to pen down my most intimate thoughts. I feel privileged to even be on this path and to be able to express my gratitude to Mohanji. Without Him, I probably wouldn’t even have the strength to face, accept and write all these things. Thank you Father for everything and coming into my life.
With deep gratitude and love,
Ruby Nair, USA
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