By Milica Bulatovic, South Africa
We are one consciousness. I am never away from you. There is no existence in separation. Beingness is unity. We are one and never separate. – Mohanji
I am Milica Bulatovic from South Africa.
I would like to share my recent experience that led me to complete peace through faith in my Guru Brahmarishi Mohanji and acceptance of life’s circumstance that most people would call difficult or even extreme.
It all started with the birth of my second daughter, Sofia Sage, on 19th January, 2018. In Serbia, this day is called Bogojavljenje meaning the day God appeared. My first realisation was that I couldn’t label her as mine. I would look at other mothers in the room in the ICU and couldn’t understand why we call children ours. She belonged to everyone equally as she belonged to me. She had an incredible energy of peace and serenity in the first few days until the pain took over. She had a very powerful energy too that I only realized after she left her physical body.
Doctors had diagnosed her with a rare congenital heart disease which was inoperable. Through the Grace of Mohanji, I gathered the courage to accept this and live each day in full faith. The doctors could not understand my decision to continue with the pregnancy, when they had informed me in the 5th month of pregnancy. They had advised immediate termination! In my heart, I could never even think of termination. How can it be my choice? From day one, we didn’t receive a warm or helpful assistance from the doctors and this carried on till the last day of Sofia’s short life. But to live with integrity is the only way, no matter what others may say. They only see from their level of understanding.
I always believed that everything in life happens for a reason and so did the birth of this incredible soul that graced us with her presence for just a short time. I still gave it my all, did all the research as well as consulted the best specialists in the country to offer the best service to Sofia. After everyone confirmed the same prognosis, I settled into acceptance and looked after her the best I could do with the awareness that I had.
There were many challenging moments and a week would seem like a year but I flowed from one situation to the next without getting or experiencing thoughts of hardship. My mantra was to stay natural and be myself at all times no matter what others may say.
If I needed to cry, I did. It would be just for a few minutes and I would feel lighter as I wouldn’t lose myself in emotions. The understanding of what is really happening would come and I would learn more about myself in this way. I didn’t realize that by choosing this mantra, I chose to fully accept myself which led me to more powerful experiences. My heart was opening and embracing all situations instead of closing down with fear. I learnt this is where true strength lies, in acceptance and love.
Every day more acceptance would come in and what seemed unbearable two weeks ago was accepted with complete peace. I decided to face things head on and fear just dropped away. No residue of any previous times would be there to make me heavy and to accumulate as I dealt with all as it came and started a new day each day.
Only now I realize that by not allowing emotions in, I lived in the present fully which allowed me to be more stable to assist Sofia in the best possible way I could. In the present moment, there are no fears and anxieties. Often deep truths would just come through me and I would share them with all around me as the truths were transforming. I could recognise how Mohanji was making me aware!
This has increased the gratitude in my heart and the humility for this existence. People were telling me that I am going through so much but I could immediately think of many other situations happening somewhere else that were much worse. I simply didn’t feel any pain. I started to understand that when something triggers painful emotions this only means that we have those unresolved emotions from the past within us. Something that also made a huge difference was the understanding I had that Sofia’s soul chose this experience and it was mainly for our growth and learning.
We spent many weeks in hospital and those were the most trying days. We had to share a room with many other people and other children in pain crying sometimes for even 24 hours. Sofia was incredible. She allowed it all to happen even though every movement of her body was so uncomfortable. She would cry a lot but she still chose to stay with us. I remember every time we had one or two good days, a glimpse of hope would come to me that she is doing better. She would get worse very soon to keep me from getting off the road of acceptance and telling me that she is not staying.
I often wondered what was keeping her alive as her heart could hardly pump and her breathing was so difficult. I felt that there was so much more to all this than eyes could see. What powered Sofia’s heart cannot be explained by science but it was her soul’s purpose and unconditional love. We forget that we are part of the universal energy that cannot be depleted and has no beginning or end. We have the ability to connect to it but we choose to live emotional dramas. When I felt physically tired, I would remind myself of this and connect more deeply.
Whenever I was at a breaking point physically, help arrived and we just carried on until one day a palliative care doctor came and told me that we could take Sofia home even if she was on oxygen, fed through the nasal gastric tube and on morphine. At first, I was really surprised because it had never occurred to me and she warned me that she may also leave us at any moment and we had to be prepared for that. At first that really scared me and my husband but I really wanted us to go home and be in a peaceful environment as it was becoming unbearable in the hospital. I went with the flow of events and I felt that was exactly what we needed.
As we arrived home, the fear of her passing away in my arms alone at home disappeared as acceptance of all settled back in. I have to mention that my darling friend Barbara came and stayed with us for few months as Sofia was born. Barbara was a true angel and a huge support. She was there every time I needed help and I didn’t have to ask. Another angel sent by the Tradition to assist selflessly. At home, I learned everything from taking care of all of Sofia’s needs (as nurses were helping before) to settling into my own being and fully accepting it all. I started living in the moment and allowed myself to be completely natural. I noticed how each situation shaped me into a more accepting and patient being. There were no feelings of hardship or unfairness.
I was becoming more aware of myself and most situations were great learning curves. It felt like life was testing me if I could really live all the spiritual lessons I had learnt. There was no thinking. I was just flowing and a lot of situations were extreme. There was no room for questioning anything. Over the weeks, I noticed that my mind had settled down and I was in total peace when I closed my eyes. All that transpired would never upset me. I simply accepted it all. No room for regrets and doubts. She will be with us for a short time and I couldn’t allow regrets later. I chose to be conscious all the time.
I realized how physical reality when lived from the conditioned mind is unreal. I would look around and clearly see how people reacted from past unresolved emotions. That further showed me the way and encouraged me not to go that way and be aware even more. What became obvious to me was that what is real is not visible to our eyes and cannot be perceived with our mind. Only after opening yourself up to higher realms do you feel glimpses of what is real. All this awareness was getting delivered to me telepathically by Mohanji. This happens when you let go of all conditioning and have full faith in your heart.
This was only possible because of constant loving guidance, blessings and the safety net provided by Mohanji for many years. Guidance would come from His quotes, blogs and even telepathically. I realized long ago that we need to first feel safe before we can start to let go. And now looking back at years of letting go, I realized that it was all letting go of unreal and fictional patterns created by our minds. As my mind settled down, I noticed that even though thoughts would come out of nowhere and emotions would arise instantly, I would stop them from taking me away from the path of awareness. I remembered very well how life is when you allow emotions to rule you and I didn’t want to go down that road again.
This is how I stayed in peace most of the time. Just observed everything and higher awareness would just come, guide me and teach me. When we are based firmly in truth, nothing can unbalance us. Looking back, it is very obvious now how every event in life happens for a reason. We can choose to be emotional about it or accept and learn from it. When we learn from it, we honor life. We realise that life is a gift when used for higher purpose. Then no pain will ever affect you. This is what Sofia showed us. We are given life, but we don’t own it. This body is on lease from God, choose wisely and consciously what to do with it. Life is truly a gift.
Our biggest gift is to love unconditionally. It is then that we reflect God in our life. Every Saturday is a day of seva (unconditional selfless service) in my family. We take part in the ACT Foundation Food Seva to 200-300 children from impoverished backgrounds. We take part in the preparations that hapen on Fridays and serving of food to the children on Saturday. I would make sure Sofia had the best care that day to allow me to continue in my seva activites. One Saturday, I was driving back from Seva and saw a tiny tree bent to the ground. I gasped as in a split second I understood the truth about being empty so God could fill you in. I had been observing trees for a few years now.
I feel trees and plants are connected to higher consciousness. You can cut them, shout at them, they can be in bad weather, you can kick them, give them water or not, yet they never complain. They stand majestically still in full acceptance. It was a split second that I felt this truth deep within myself. My mouth literally opened wide in recognizing this truth and felt it so deep within. Resistance comes from the mind when we energize it and allow it to take us into its control. It led me to understand that the life we experience on a physical level is an illusion if we allow mind to perceive reality. Once mind is more peaceful, all guidance and clarity come when they need to. By fully accepting my situation and honoring Sofia’s choice, I would never pray or ask Mohanji to save her. However, in return, I received complete peace of mind and emptiness.
I don’t even have a need to know more. All that comes, comes for a purpose. I don’t need to accumulate information that isn’t necessary for existence as a being. The flow of life will bring to us what is needed at every moment in time. It is best to trust that and allow awareness to fill in the gaps that no mind state allows. Knowing nothing (being empty from conditioning) is like homecoming. Coming back to your true nature. Pain becomes pain once mind tells you it is painful. Next time catch this moment and don’t allow mind to lead. Just experience life as it happens. I noticed this one morning when sitting in the Sun. Until my mind told me that the sun was too strong, I didn’t have a sensation of heat on the skin.
I just observed everything completely neutrally, no reference points just watching and responding to all of Sofia’s needs and the other drama that was happening with people around me. At a certain point, I had to have the help of a nurse at home as feeding became challenging and there was so much more. Simply, it was possible for one person to look after her any more. To find the right person took a long time. As I would finish training one nurse, something would happen and they would leave for many different reasons. It was becoming very tiring and didn’t feel like we received help at all.
Until one day, in the last week of Sofia’s life, an incredible person came into our lives. Gladys was just perfect. Gladys knew when to leave us alone for privacy and when to take over. She would know when to speak and when to be silent. So non-intrusive like most were. She learned fast all that needed to be done and I felt like she was an extension of me. As in many such moments, I realized how we should never really worry even for a second. Again, the flow of life brought the right person when it was absolutely necessary and when certain karma was resolved.
Lately, I almost felt like threads of karma that had been very entangled for a long time were being untangled. I was starting to see the light penetrate through. All seemed clearer and lighter. Awareness would simply come in all situations of why certain things happened the way they did without me ever asking. Life becomes easier to accept no matter what happens. There is a point in life with Master’s Grace when inner guru is discovered and heard. When the flow of life and the inner guru meet, life takes on a new meaning. You start seeing life in many different aspects and with deeper understanding without being caught in those moments. The Master shines His love and light so bright that we just need to open our eyes and see the truth. Thats exactly what Mohanji was doing. We just needed to be receptive and open.
When we express our true nature to the world, there are no roles to play. I didn’t identify with the role of a mother to Sofia. I didn’t get lost in that identification. I was just neutral, giving her all the love possible and not getting caught in emotions. To be honest at certain still moments while I was holding her, it felt like she knew everything. She was aware of so much more. In those quiet moments, it felt like an exchange of energy and awareness. When she looked at you she looked through you. I always sensed she can see it all. Her look was like looking at eternity. No beginning, no end.
Two days before she left her body, I was gifted a very special afternoon. It was a public holiday and it was very peaceful at home. A very pleasant and sunny day. Sofia needed me to hold her that day. She was becoming very uncomfortable so I held her in my arms while she was sleeping and we sat in the garden the whole afternoon. Energy was incredible. I felt pure Grace surround us. As my elder daughter Sara joined us, she felt it instantly too. It felt like hundreds of angels were sitting with us. Sara shared that there was the presence of Masters. I felt truly grateful for that day and it still feels like a dream. It was interesting that my sister dreamt that night that we were all sitting at my home surrounded by Masters! The next morning, she shared her dream with me.
That night Sofia got very unwell and the next day was hardest for all. She clearly was in huge discomfort and could barely breathe. It seemed like, the previous day gave me all that I needed to be completely calm and give her all my pure love and care. For some people who were with us that day, it was unbearable. But when I allowed myself to flow, an invisible force, Mohanji’s Grace took over. I realized that once you let go of concepts, you simply flow. If mind is still, there is no reference point, then every moment is like new. No heaviness stays with you.
So I didn’t recognize the situation as hard or difficult and I could respond better to her needs. Mohanji had explained to me that she was an elevated soul and that this happens very rarely that such a soul comes as a blood relation. I felt blessed. She decides when she will go and she knows what is best. The last day came and I was alone with Sofia as she was in coma since the night before, so there was no need for any help. I did all my chanting, performed Sai Baba aarti (which started playing on its own) and Mohanji aarti and sat in complete peace with her.
It was 29th of April. She left at the exact moment the moon was ascending on Buddha Poornima – the day when Ganeshananda Giri left his body two years ago. This was also Avadhoota Nadananda’s birthday. What an auspicious day! She attained the highest and chose the exact time for “rocket speed dissolution”, as Mohanji wrote to me. At the moment of her passing, Sofia and I merged forever in love without a trace of pain or sadness. When we love unconditionally, there is no room for pain or any emotion.
That morning, there was a magnificent pink sunrise. Pink was never my color of choice but lately I often see it. Even the sunset was pink for few days after. So I checked meaning of this color and found out that pink is the color of the universal love of oneness!
Every moment is important as it is given to us to fulfill our purpose. Our breath is given to us. Two years ago, when I was attending a weekend program with Mohanji, he had asked all participants to share what they have learned during the progarm. I shared that there is nothing to do but just be.
Today I feel that there is no need to even be. Just merge.
There is nothing to express but You.
I find my home in You.
This came to me as, even the need to contemplate, stopped.
As Sofia took her last breath, I felt her become part of me or I became part of her. It was not a heavy moment. It was a moment of freedom. Her body was pain-free finally and I understood that she never suffered as she was fulfilling her purpose. When purpose is clear, nothing can stand in your way. Numerous miracles were experienced after her passing. I felt completion and subtlety that I didn’t feel before. Mohanji gave me the strength to face it all, and held me tight and cleared the way and did so much more than we could possibly ever know.
The next morning as I was offering food to the birds in Sofia’s name, I felt how Mohanji’s hand is feeding them. Instantly, I felt deep within how those beings benefit tremendously when we offer food in Mohanji’s name. A deep feeling of how serving Mother Earth is serving Mohanji, serving creation. I literally felt how Mohanji received the food as He is in everything and everyone. It led me to deeper understanding of what energy exchange happens during Act Foundation Seva. As I walked to the altar and prostrated first where Sofia slept, I had an urge to pour water over Shiva Lingam as the true meaning came to me. I never perform any ritual if I do not fully understand the meaning. I realized by offering water you offer water to the whole creation. By honoring Shiva Lingam, you honor your higher aspect, until the day comes when there is no separation.
As I finished pouring water on the Shiva Lingam, I noticed, a heart shape was formed in the bowl where water was, from remaining water.
Then I noticed that Shirdi Baba’s photo has moved from where I left it last night. It was the leela of Master telling me that I am always with you. We waited a very long time to get approval for cremation and had numerous issues with documents and doctors. Finally we received the date. The day before cremation, I took my malas out that I didn’t wear since the day Sofia had passed away. I noticed that my Kriya mala was much longer than it normally was.
I was so amazed. I wrote to my dear friend Delo who had re-strung both the malas a few months back, just to share with her and check if she remembers if they were of the same length. She confirmed that she used the same amount of string for both and they were both of the same length. She then shared with me that the following day, when Sofia’s cremation is scheduled, was Shani Jayanthi – the birthday of Lord Shani, the ruler of Saturn. I immediately felt within that we are continuously being blessed and was left speechless but humbled and deeply grateful. Immediately I understood why we had to wait for the cremation day for so long. During the cremation as I went within and chanted, I felt my heart opening so vast like never before and white light shot into infinity from my crown chakra.
The ability to love and expand our hearts is where we find our true nature. Our true rebirth is in our hearts. I was given by Mohanji, Sofia and Tradition what was best for completion of karma and my spiritual growth. It was all perfectly orchestrated for higher elevation and higher awareness of miracles of life. For long now, I have a feeling of amnesia, that there is so much to remember and nothing to learn. Now it feels that it is remembrance of my true being, that has begun.
None of the experiences and inner discoveries would have been possible without Mohanji.
From the depth of my being I wish love and light to all. May we all wake up to the truth with your guidance and love.
With surrender and deep gratitude to Mohanji,