Written by: Mina Obradovic
What have I done as a boy from that life to fall so low in my spiritual path and lose all what I have worked hard for? Where did Guruji go and why didn’t I have any protection afterwards?
This is a continuation of the previous blog THE SCAR OF RICHNESS: PART 1
“Let’s go”, said Guruji and indicated with His head that He is starting and He wants me to accompany Him. I didn’t know where we were going, nor I cared. I knew Guruji knows the best, hence I followed Him. I said, “Guruji, I have surrendered to you.” Guruji said, “Don’t rush. Wait for some more and say that again.”
I didn’t understand what guruji meant by saying this, but I continued walking anyways. After a few hours, tired of walking, we reached a temple of Lord Krishna, seated inside the green hills. Guruji led me to it, left me there and started walking away.
“Where are you going, guruji?”, I asked Him. “Didn’t you want to show me something?”
Guruji turned around and said, “No. You stay there.”
Even though it was unexpected for me to stay alone in the middle of an unknown area such as this, I obeyed Guruji’s words and stayed there in the temple premises as He continued walking the dusty road towards the open field. He went back to the house where we used to stay which was three and a half hours away from this temple.
Our humble ashram was small and only two of us lived there – Guruji and I. It had one humble bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen. Guruji and I used to sleep in the bedroom on two thin and simple mattresses. Shayna was a lady who used to cook for us. She didn’t actually live with us (she lived with her mother in a near by house), but ever since she started cooking for us she spontaneously started spending more and more time in our ashram, either cleaning the altar, walking around or just sitting inside in Guruji’s presence. Despite of spending that much time in our ashram, she never forgot her mother. She took extra care of her and made sure she always has good and fresh food to eat, clean place to sleep and whatever else the mother required from her loving daughter. Shayna was always silent and through her silent nature I could learn more than through some people who speak a lot. She never charged anything for her services to us, and she was a deeply connected devotee of Guruji. Guruji never wanted to take anything for free, so He always used to bless her with much more than she ever gave Him. Although Guruji often seemed as if He doesn’t care about anything, including me and Shayna, we were somehow always taken care of by Him.
Guruji almost never expressed affection towards anybody, including me and Shayna, but there is no doubt that His love was beyond our imagination. Since Shayna started cooking for us in the proximity of Guruji, I witnessed her life transforming. Only looking back, I can see how much Guruji made our lives meaningful and how much of light and blessings He showered upon us. Like I said, His love might not have been recognizable to everybody who used to meet Him in everyday life. His “carelessness” sometimes used to lead us to wonder if He has any feelings at all. Most of the people considered Guruji as a mad man, a poor beggar or as a wandering monk. Some even thought that He used to sexually abuse Shayna, but they never understood the purity of the connection they actually had. They had the purest God-disciple relation which was hardly understandable by the prejudiced minds of the society. Shayna knew whatever people thought of her, but she was never affected. I believe she kept her divine connection to Guruji close to her heart without exposing it too much to others. For her, it was enough for that she knows the truth and that Guruji knows it as well. She was indeed a Saint. She always continued doing her job without any other involvement. Even her mother used to treat Shayna carelessly and used to convince her that Guruji is just using her kindness for negative purposes. Shayna always maintained respect towards her mother, which Guruji always encouraged her to do. Once, when Shayna was insecure on how to handle her mother’s impolite behaviour, Guruji told her, “A mother is the Divine Mother. A father is the Divine Father. No matter what, treat them as such.” Shayna obeyed to Guruji’s advices and, ever since He said this, she used to serve her mother with full reverence without complaints. She deeply believed that every mood swing of her mother is Divine Mother’s way of testing her endurance. Shayna never fell for these small tests and always remained as tranquil as water when it came to serving her mother. This way of service gave her many spiritual powers even without herself being aware. Her intention was pure and innocent, far away from gaining anything for herself.
One day while Shayna was cooking (at the time when the stories about Shayna being sexually involved with Guruji were circling in our neighbourhood), for the first time ever she said, “I love Guruji with all my heart.”
I indeed liked hearing those words from her, because she rarely ever spoke. Suddenly the strangest thought appeared in my mind, “Is there a chance that Guruji might be sexually involved with her anyway? They say a guru doesn’t have such needs, but is Guruji of that high stature already? Even if He is, maybe He is sexually involved with Shayna for some other purposes. The connection that I believe they have seems a little bit unreal to me, when I think. She is young and pretty, and He is old and looks like a beggar. Why wouldn’t He want anything sexual to do with her?”
I was deeply embarrassed by these thoughts for even existing in my mind! I didn’t like their vibration and I deleted them from my system immediately! I swore to always trust Guruji hundred percent and not to care about what He does and says, because I know He knows the best!
After Guruji left me that day in the temple premises, I stayed there for a couple of days holding the toes of Lord Krishna’s idol with my both hands and meditating on them. Guruji never taught me this practice, but He somehow conveyed it to me telepathically. I simply knew what to do when He brought me to the temple that day. These small signs of our telepathic connection were proving my connectivity with His consciousness. I was happy to see myself progressing, as Guruji and I started merging into One.
Days passed, and I telepathically felt Guruji calling me to come back to our ashram. On my way to there, I came across a man who used to give his old clothes to me and Guruji to wear when we didn’t have our own. His name was Gaada. He was a very good man, in his sixties, but what he spoke that day affected me negatively, in a most unexpected way. He happily greeted me and asked me about Guruji. I told him that He is in our ashram. He asked, “Where is Shayna?” I told him the same – in the ashram. Despite of Gaada’s pure intention, those two questions were enough to catch a spark of doubt towards Guruji (the one that arose within me a couple of days ago) and nurture more doubts to sprout. A bunch of thoughts kept poisoning my mind, “Guruji only cares about Shayna and sex! He has a need for it and He lied to me! What is this life about? Everything is a lie! His selfishness costed me my time and energy!” Crying in despair I knew these thoughts were not true, but I was too weak to fight them! I was trying hard to remember everything good that Guruji has given me until now, everything that He sacrificed His own self for – for me, but everything suddenly seemed unreal! Whatever I remembered ended up with a thought, “Oh, is it? May be all is just a coincidence. May be all this is not true.” A thought that I should have written down all the good things that Guruji gave me in my life pierced my mind sharply and I regretted badly that I have never done that. As I started to feel drained, my body started to feel extremely weak. I lied down on a stone and started thinking. I tried fighting those thoughts by bringing the logic out – “Guruji has expressed non attachment to the earth so many times until now, so why do I feel He has a need for anything at all? If sexuality is a problem, then let it be. Even if my Guruji sleeps with thousands of women, I will never doubt Him!” The negativity overpowered me, and not because they are more powerful than the positive, but because I knew no way to exit this situation on my own! I needed tools to avoid this trap of the mind, but I did not have any!
Today, I am happy to share these blogs with you, because today I have tools which are still helping me and which will help you fight the negative – tools that I have earned through blood and sweat, through THE SCAR OF RICHNESS.
After my mind was already contaminated, I rushed to Guruji in pain and feeling of betrayal, and I found Him calmly sitting on the floor in His usual lotus posture. I was screaming of pain, accusing Him of everything negative that happened in my life after meeting Him. Regardless of the fact that I could have chosen another 95% of the positive things instead of the 5% of the “negative” (they were anyway lessons that I chose to experience before taking birth), I anyway chose the 5% of the negative, KNOWING very well that those 5% were also REDUCED by guruji’s grace – before meeting Him the negative side of my life used to be 80%! I was crying in blindness and Guruji was sitting and listening. His physical expression said nothing, because of which I was becoming even more angry! “Why doesn’t He care about me?”, I shouted inside. He kept watching the show as I continued crying in despair. “You are a liar!”, I said and regretted badly. Nothing ever injured my heart like the feeling of Guruji betraying me, but, He never betrayed me indeed! His physical form was expressing no emotion. Trapped in the illusion that He is the physical, I believed the cunning entities who were silently whispering lies in my ears that He doesn’t love me. Guruji never liked any of His children falling into the negative, but today that was not at all visible on His face. His expression had no emotion, but the warmth of His subtle heart silently said, “My child, be careful, I am your saviour. Hold me and you will hold Light. Lose me and you will lose Yourself. I am You. I am Light.” With the dark lens of illusion and emotions before my eyes I could only see darkness, and could not hear Guruji’s innocent home calling! My telepathic connection with Him already started dissolving! I started losing Him… I started losing myself…
Only a few more loud voices of my mind pierced the silence. I walked away from the ashram without saying anything else.
TO BE CONTINUED…
||JAI BRAHMARISHI MOHANJI||
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